Hello Friend

"Hold still. Don’t move. You smell that? Take a big whiff. Did you get some? That smell can mean only one thing. Today’s Reds-Diamondbacks game is being played mere feet from the shore of the winding, wretched Ohio River. A bit of history before we begin: the great city of Cincinnati was founded in 1788 by Colonel Robert Patterson and Satan. They chose the location for the wealth of resources the river provided, such as refrigerator doors, animal bile, garbage bags full of crudely-manicured hostage fingers, and drinking water so polluted with toxic refuse that one sip will either kill you or allow you to see into the future, depending on whether you are double-jointed."